Mar
Thu
18
cfz
  • everyone that opens this read and answer please i want as many outside opinions as possible

    Each day the sun sets
    And the moon rise
    Send us to bed
    Dream gifts from our eyelids
    the moon goes away
    the sun comes out to play
    Maybe I'll be happy
    Come the next autumn day


  • i like it =]


  • It needs a little work:

    Each day the sun sets
    And the moon rise[s]
    Send[s] us to bed
    [Where] dream gifts come
    from [beneath] our eyelids
    the moon goes away
    the sun comes out to play
    Maybe I'll be happy
    Come the next autumn day

    To be literal, dreams come from our brain, but are rarely accessible except when we sleep; there are waking dreams.

    The words are words or letters that I added.

    This is significantly different than your previous version in this line:
    Dream gifts from [beneath] our eyelids

    Be consistent with your punctuation and grammar. A capitalized letter is not needed on each line; that was a poet's devise in the dark to a little lighter ages so that people would know if the document was a poem or a law handed down. Very few people could read, but the recognized the capital letters. What this gives poets now is the freedom to write in lower and caps. To write in a sentence structure, and when the poetic end of the sentence is reached, put a period and start the next part with a capital. Be free. Let your poetry flow freely.

    It makes a difference, because it now is too long, when beneath is added, and doesn't make sense without it.


  • well its kinda elementary, kinda wanabe-ish, if your serious about poetry steer away from cliches such as this and write about origional situations. Nothing like being dumped or stuff but REAL LIFE situations, or sit outside and write about what its like. SImply write down everything you notice, the scents the noises, the colors, NOT IN POETRY FORM, then when youve written all you need down write the poem.

    Hope this helped

    :]







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